Last week I went for some food in a certain East London pub. Actually, I don’t know why I’m being cagey about it – it was The Hemingway on Victoria Park Road. I decided to go for the pork chop, which came with mash, kale, and other miscellaneous vegetables. And a gravy boat. With some gravy in it. All sat on a wooden board. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve looked at food served on a wooden board and thought “Why is that being served on a wooden board?” Many people evidently feel the same way. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that no one wants to have their food served on a wooden board.
Even the people who serve food on a wooden board don’t want to eat their food off a wooden board. I have a theory: we’re the subjects of an ongoing psychological experiment, conducted by the wooden board industry, in which we are currently performing extremely badly. We have failed to rise up, demonstrate mental strength and end the experiment. We meekly accept it. And so the experiment continues. But now there’s @WeWantPlates, a Twitter account that exists solely to end this culinary equivalent of the Stanford Prison Experiment. “Crusading against food being served on bits of wood and roof tiles,” reads the bio. Now, I’ve not confirmed this by looking it up in a history book, but I think it’s safe to say that humans have been eating things off other things for millennia. Gourds cut in half, sea shells, hollowed out bits of bread. And the thing they have in common is that the edges go up. The edges of boards don’t go up. @WeWantPlates provides proof:
Just been served scrambled eggs on a wooden board. Peak culinary hipster? pic.twitter.com/Y5t52ikaTX
— FKA Katie (@katieglassST) March 8, 2015
Cake belongs on a plate, not a chopping board! @WeWantPlates pic.twitter.com/FQL0LYLyXH
— Chris Mytton (@chrismytton) March 7, 2015
Of course, cake on a board represents little threat. Not so with gravy. “Alright,” I thought to myself at The Hemingway, “if I’m meant to pour gravy on this board, that’s what I’ll do.” The gravy flooded the board, and it ran into the small ridges around the edge of the board that were presumably supposed to facilitate some kind of gravy moat. But the moat was breached. The gravy flooded onto the table. “There,” I thought, “I’ve proved that this was a bad idea.” I asked for a napkin to mop up the gravy, but they looked at me like I was an idiot. I was. Because what I was supposed to do was REFUSE THE BOARD. Every time I accept the board, I lose 10 points in the experiment, and I’m already on about minus 720.
olive is evidently part of the conspiracy. Look: Asian chicken burgers on a board. Sausage plait on a board. But we haven’t put bread in a cap or bread in slippers or chips in a shopping trolley or a futuristic salad on a rock.
At least, not yet.
@WeWantPlates is evidently doing important work, but there’s so much stuff out there that they’ve missed. This problem is bigger than we ever imagined. Rise up, I tell you. Rise up. Smash the system. It exists purely to oppress us.
Caprese salad served on a massive 5 feet tall wood platter. #FoodbyMaija pic.twitter.com/dOL0mjnVxz
— maija maltais (@maijamaltais) February 22, 2015
The lemon tart at this Italian restaurant is intentionally served on a broken plate: http://t.co/P3queJEGK6 #CNNFood pic.twitter.com/rFyYjS34s5
— CNN Travel (@CNNTravel) March 9, 2015
At least it’s not served on a board! MT: @xtine_rose: At last. A restaurant that puts your salad under a wine glass. pic.twitter.com/KAG4yYIUEl
— Mark J Daniels (@markinapub) March 1, 2015
Like this? Then try more of Rhodri’s features…
National Chip Week: we’re a nation obsessed with chips!
Jammie Bakes: we want to be excited about you!
The Great British Pie Quiz