Those of us lucky enough to write for olive evidently find food exciting. We’re exercised by it. We’ll punch the air at a good scotch egg and we’ll blub uncontrollably over a well-executed lemon drizzle cake. We’d hope that that comes across when we try writing it down.
Contrast that, if you will, with the way some food and drink companies unveil new products. Their imminent arrival on supermarket shelves is heralded not by fanfare, but by the sound of someone sighing as they push a piece of A4 towards you containing the relevant details.
In a way, these announcements are things of beauty; they’re glorious examples of British understatement, and usually include a quote that’s lacking in va-va-voom.
Let’s take some examples from the last few days. Whoah, look! Spar are re-launching their range of snacking nuts! They’re adding two exciting new variants to the range, namely Unsalted Mixed Nuts and Sweet Chilli Peanuts. I don’t know about you, but those Sweet Chilli nuts sound like hot patooties! I want me some! Sell them to me, Spar UK!
‘We wanted to take the opportunity to refresh our packaging on the snacking nuts range, to give it greater stand out on shelf.’
Uh… OK, how about Britvic, those noble grandees of the fizzy drink world? What have they got up their sleeves this week? Well, it turns out that they’re bringing out a new product in the Tango range, namely Tango Blood Orange! Ah, the sweetness of the Tarocco, the exquisite taste of Sicily, hanging tantalisingly from trees on the slopes of Mount Etna… I’m already imagining the citric tang richocheting around my palate, putting a zing in my heart and a quickness in my step! Over to Britvic:
‘We have created Tango Blood Orange in direct response to consumers’ love of all things orange.’
Blimey. Hm. Maybe Ben & Jerry’s, the frozen yogurt people, can work up a head of steam over their new Blueberry Cheesecake flavour. I don’t know about you, but the combination of crushed cookies, blueberry swirls and Greek-style yogurt sounds like an almost fearsomely alluring option that could transform an otherwise uneventful post-dinner slump into a sensual explosion of debauched bacchanalia. I’m sure Ben & Jerry’s would agree?
‘By introducing a new variant, we’re looking to further drive consumer interest and attract even more consumers to the ice cream market.’
Jeez. Last chance goes to Jammie Dodgers, who are about to launch their first ever product aimed at adults: the Jammie Bake. Give me a Jammie Bake. I need Bake. I need jam, rammed into a biscuit, rammed into my face. I don’t care how much they cost. They are mine. I am theirs. We are as one. Give them to me, Burton’s Biscuit Company!
‘We know that when adults eat Jammie Dodgers, it often evokes memories of their childhood, but they also told us that even established favourites which they really enjoy can be made more relevant to them.’
Relevant? Is that the best you can do? I don’t want relevant! I want a biscuit I can’t leave alone, I want a biscuit that beckons me with a finger, mouthing the words “I’m a biscuit, and you know what – I want you, now, on the sofa.” Try harder!
‘In essence, we’re…reinforcing the fact that fun-filled Jammie Dodgers is synonymous with jam.’
I give up.
Want to bake your own jammy biscuits? Click here for the recipe pictured above